25 | カミデレ / クウデレ
Them / They | Scorpio | ENTP | Guro |Yaoi | Chaotic Neutral
Insta @kodai.nox
I need to stop expecting, and there for allowing the worst in humans.
I’ve always had the attitude that no one owes me shit and I don’t owe them shit either, there for when they act in self interest it seems logical to me. I’d never hold it against anyone to fuck me over or put them selves before our relationship because, ‘they’re humans that’s what humans do.’
But you can’t form a functional relationship without some level of expectations. Some sign or behaviour that shows they ‘care.’ I might not owe anyone anything but if I can make their life better through no great loss to myself, why do I not…? Because I don’t think they’d do the same for me…? What a selfish way to be.
Honestly I’d love to form a relationship with any level of expection of the other party, I need to allow my self to have those expectations and actually allow my self to be affected when they’re not met. That’s healthy.
But I don’t have friendships, I just have mutually beneficial interactions.
You know when you’re stressed, but your kinda ignoring it fine and you feel okay. Apart from your brain keeps being like ‘you can just kill your self though’ and you’re like ‘yeah I could just kill myself….’
So I guess the reason I’ve always been okay on my own, the reason I’ve never really cried for help or allowed my self to feel is even more deep rooted than I thought and it’s only just now dawned on me as even being a thing.
When I was a child my chronic pain was, well, I don’t know if it was worse but I felt it more because I was a child. And I remember being 5 or six and laying on my bed crying and screaming in pain for hours, my blood mom never came to hug me. Never comforted me. Told me ‘it’s mind over matter, just stop.’ And being angry with me.
I remember being 7 or 8, laying on my bed screaming in pain and just thinking, why am I crying? What’s the point? Nothing will change. No one will come. I remember the exact moment I stopped telling people I was in pain. Stopped asking for help. The exact fucking moment I realised you’d better endure in silence because making a noise will only make people hate, will only make you weak in their eyes.
Lan Wangji: *saves Wei Wuxian in multiple occasions*
Lan Wangji: *stays in the cave with him as everyone flees*
Lan Wangji: *pushes Wei Wuxian out of danger and has his leg bit down by a huge creature*
Lan Wangji: *thanks Wei Wuxian sincerely twice*
Lan Wangji: *tries to nurse him back to health*
Lan Wangji: *sings to him at his request*
Wei Wuxian through every single flashback: Lan Zhan you must really hate me hahaha!